


I wish I was special

by Mathmagician



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Creepy, Falling In Love, M/M, Radiohead, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Unrequited Love, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 19:03:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13196571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mathmagician/pseuds/Mathmagician
Summary: Baz’s view on loving Simon, told through Creep, a song by Radiohead.“I avoided him for days. For what I knew he had seen, and for what I had realized.I was in love with Simon Snow.”





	I wish I was special

**Author's Note:**

> Hey lovelies,
> 
> Here’s a new fic. This one is inspired by the song Creep, by Radiohead, because I was listening to them and this song came up and I thought that theses lyrics could describe completely what I think Baz went through being in love with Simon and not being able to show it. It’s my take on Baz’s view of loving Simon.  
> I am pretty sure some things diverge from the original plot, but I lent my copy to a friend, so I can’t check it. It’s just some pieces of information that maybe we know that Simon doesn’t have in our book, but I don’t remember. So, I’ll just pretend he does.  
> I am sure most people know which song this is, but for those of you who don’t, here’s the link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZiNtbgm9oM  
> For anyone who doesn’t know of them, you should listen. They’re the bomb.  
> Just the usual remarks:  
> 1\. I do not own any of the characters in this, they are all the product of the amazing Rainbow Rowell and her mind-blowing imagination.  
> 2\. I also do not own the lyrics to the song. They belong to the also amazing Thom Yorke (who also sings them with incredibly well even though he is tired of it being overplayed). The lyrics will be the lines both in italics and bold. They’re not all there, I took out the repetitions of the chorus and other lines I thought didn’t make much sense for what I wanted to do.

**_When you were here before_ **

 

I will never forget the night I realized I was in love with Simon Snow.

I had just walked into the catacombs for my usual mid-night meal and I instantly smelled him in the air. His scent filled the dark corridors all the way up to where my mother was. I walked cautiously, trying not to make a sound. Looking for him in every hidden corner to tell him off for following me around _all_ the damn time.

It was only when I got to the room where my mother laid to rest that I found him. He was sitting on the ground, in front of her tomb. I froze. He was talking to her. I sat down before the entrance to the room, hiding in the shadows, where I could see him, but he could not see me. He was whispering so quietly that if it wasn’t for the vampire hearing I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“I now see it is you he comes to visit every night. I shouldn’t have followed him here. This isn’t my secret to know. I am sure he misses you deeply. I won’t come bother you anymore, headmistress.”

 

**_Couldn't look you in the eye_ **

****

I couldn’t face Snow for days after the incident. He had stayed for a little while, just staring at the pictures of my mother that filled the walls to the room. His gaze lingered at one where she was holding me. I noticed him frowning, probably at my brown skin and healthy look. I was a chubby, happy and warm kid. The complete opposite of what I am today.

  When he left, he pretended not to see me sitting there, with teary eyes. And there must have been some silent agreement that we would not talk about it ever again, because we never did.

I avoided him for days. For what I knew he had seen, and for what I had realized.

I was in love with Simon Snow.

****

**_You're just like an angel_ **

 

The rest of the year was torture. He kept following me everywhere but for the catacombs. Still trying to prove to someone, or perhaps to himself, that he was right about me. That I was a vampire. Wherever I went, he was there. He even started to attend my football practices. Even after both Bunce and Wellbelove gave up on accompanying him, he kept coming.

He was always sitting there, following my every move. And Crowley, was he gorgeous. Twilight practices were the worst. When the low sun illuminated the benches and his curls shined so brightly I swear I could go blind. He was ethereal. And I was fucked.

 

**_Your skin makes me cry_ **

****

And then, there were the moles. I had never been a fan of Simon walking around our room with only his pants on (repressed sexuality, perhaps). But it had just become too unbearable. I laid night after night in bed contemplating every inch of him. Counting every freckle and every mole my eyes could reach. Dreaming of all the ones they couldn’t. Sleepless nights memorizing every constellation of dots forever imprinted on him. I imagined what it would feel like to kiss them. To linger my mouth on each one of them, to trace the drawings he had entrenched on his surface.

Sometimes it hurt so much I almost couldn’t breathe. Sometimes, the pain was just too excruciating. To want. To love. To be.

****

**_You float like a feather_ **

****

Everything he did became too painful for me. The way he talked, the way he slept, the way he cared, the way he carried himself. Even the way he walked. How could someone so clumsy, seem so gracious all the sudden? How could my heart explode every time he made a stupid remark? How could I fall in love deeper every time he yelled at me? How could I keep making him go off on me just to feel him close even if just for a little while?

****

**_In a beautiful world_ **

****

How could someone turn this messed-up world so beautiful all the sudden? Every time he walked into a room, my life would suddenly turn into something worth living. And then into something not worth living. Because I loved him so much and I could never have him.

I fell in love with the Mage’s Heir. What a tragic, beautiful coincidence.

****

**_I wish I was special_ **

****

I wanted to change. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to love me. But I would never be something he could love. I was a monster. And I was a boy.

****

**_You're so fucking special_ **

****

And he was everything. He was what kept me breathing, even though I wasn’t alive anymore. He was the sun, and without ever knowing it, he was the one to melt all the ice inside my heart. I was burning. And even though I am flammable, I will forever be burning with Simon Snow.

****

**_I don't care if it hurts_ **

 

At some point, I didn’t mind the pain anymore. It became something I learned to live with. Looking at Simon Snow was pure torture. But I stopped looking away, for it was all I would ever have. I drank in his essence, trying to mark his whole being into my brain. I wanted to remember him. When I died at his hands, I would be thinking of all the thinks I would never get to do to him. When I finally let him kill me, I would be thinking of his smile, his blue eyes, his golden curls, his constellations of freckles and moles.

 

**_I want to have control_ **

****

I kept fighting him. I kept trying to make him go off on me. I craved his touch. And I could never touch him unless we were fighting. So that’s all I did.

I teased him, and mocked him. I told him off and made fun of every little thing he did. I turn bitter all the tender words I had buried within me. I turned my love into apparent hate. I made him despise me. I made him feel something. I wanted him to love me, but put my best effort into making him hate me. Yet, I had always heard there was a fine line between hate and love.

****

**_I want a perfect body_ **

**_I want a perfect soul_ **

 

But how could he ever feel something for me rather than hatred?

I am a bully. I am a boy. I am a monster.

How could someone so stunning, so perfect, so full of life, could ever love a soulless monster. Not even Simon Snow could make me real again. Not even him could make me undead.

I was helpless. I couldn’t be saved by the sun himself.

****

**_I want you to notice_ **

**_When I'm not around_ **

****

On the beginning of 8th year, I was kidnapped ( _by fucking numpties_ ).

And he kept me sane. He kept me _alive_ , even though I had been dead for years.

Locked inside that coffin, knowing how close I was to the end, he was the one I thought of. Blue eyes. Bronze Curls. Countless freckles and countless moles.

Simon Snow, and how in love with him I was.

I wondered if I would ever see him again. I wondered if I would die without anyone ever knowing how he had always, and would always, have my heart. And whatever I might have left of my soul.

I wondered if he even knew I was gone. I wondered if he could have missed me. In another life, perhaps.

****

**_You're so fucking special_ **

****

Then the world was burning.

Simon Snow was kissing me.

I was going to die kissing Simon Snow.

****

**_I wish I was special_ **

****

I was a monster.

And he was kissing me.

I was not a monster. I was just a bully.

And he was kissing me.

I was not a bully. I was just a boy.

And he was kissing me.

The world was so cold. His mouth was so hot.

And I was going to die kissing Simon Snow.

Someday.

****

**_But I'm a creep_ **

 

Yet he is kissing me.

 

**_I'm a weirdo_ **

 

He wants to be my terrible boyfriend.

 

**_What the hell am I doing here?_ **

 

I am in love with Simon Snow.

Simon Snow is in love with me.

**_I don't belong here_ **

****

This was not how the story was supposed to go. But it is how I wanted it to.

****

**_Whatever makes you happy_ **

 

I’ll do it all for you, Simon.

 

**_Whatever you want_ **

 

I’ll give it all to you, Simon.

 

**_You're so fucking special_ **

 

I still remember the day I first realized I was in love with Simon Snow. And I still remember what it feels like to love Simon Snow. And I still love him. I will love him. Every minute of every day. Until death tears us apart.

 

**_I wish I was special_ **

 

Joke’s on her, I’ve been dead all along.

But with him, I can easily forget it.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any huge mistakes I might have made, but it's really late and I am super tired. I'll come back to proof read it (I've been proof-reading all my works and changing them ever so slightly because I always write random stupid stuff when I am tired)
> 
> I also apologize for the randomness of this. I just felt like writing something more abstract and related to this song.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have the loveliest day!


End file.
